dialogues

The 2004 reissue of John O’Neil’s best-selling Paradox of Success, originally published a decade earlier, prompted the author to express his gratitude in a letter which he closed with this simple query: "How have things changed for you over the past decade? Not just the external factors, but the deeper, more tender parts of you."

The flood of responses was overwhelming. Deeply personal, challenging, enlightening, thought provoking—and heartfelt, every one. We are privileged to call so many fine human beings friends. And delighted to share some of their answers with you.

"One of the important changes in my life during the last dozen years is a redefinition of success. No longer does it suggest external markers - money, fame, power, goal related accomplishments. People tell me: "success now means doing what I love and loving what I do," or "becoming the person I have the potential to be." For me success also is measured in the quality of experience - in relationships, in work and play, in nature and the community."

"As human interaction becomes more instrumental and transactional, there's a countervailing current, knowing that relationship is all there is. I think the biggest shifts in the coming ten years will be around acknowledging the primacy of relationship even in business, even with employees. Everything will be redefined."

"I have just had confirmed my basic principles of life. Honesty, integrity and love for ones family and neighbors. Also KISS—keep it simple, stupid. This world has become too complicated for me and frankly, I fear for my grandchildren. This is not the same world nor the same value system that I knew. Both this country and the entire world have become much more dangerous with few moral standards left. True freedom entails responsibility, a word not many people know anymore. Anyhow, these are just some quick thoughts in response to your question. I have a house full of grandchildren right now so there is little time for deep thinking."

"For me, the last 10 years have been rich. I married my best friend and we now have 2 beautiful children and a place we will call home for a decade or two. I learned that it's not enough to follow my heart professionally, that I must also work in a environment that is good for me—with friends bound by a common purpose, where recognition is given with an old-fashioned 'thank you', where reflection is as valued as speed, and where a sense of gratitude and wonder prevail. I did not appreciate these things a decade ago, and I have worked in some pretty unhealthy places as a result."

"My answer to your question—how have things changed for me over the past decade--when I listen and follow my soul...the world is a brighter and better place."

"I decided to give you the quote of the week---George Kennan stated that for Americans "to see ourselves as the center of political enlightenment and as teachers to a great part of the rest of the world is unthought-through, vainglorious and undesirable." He added that "this planet is never going to be ruled from any single center, whatever its military power." NOT BAD."

"There is one core piece of learning which sticks out above everything for me and that is the power of our value systems. I have been a part of some amazing journeys of business transformation linked to deep and real commitments to values based organisations. The leaders who have driven these processes are very special people."

"10 years ago, I valued charisma and intelligence. Today I value compassion and wisdom.

10 years ago, I spent a lot of time listening to advice from others. Today I spend an equal amount of time hearing my own voice.

10 years ago I was out to prove that I could be successful. Today I want to spend more of my time enabling others to experience success.

I’ve learned that clear thinking can’t happen without some “time off” to think. The pace of the world today is resulting in good reactions, but at the expense of sustainable solutions. Business continues to reward superheroes even more today than in the past, and those who are the quiet achievers seem overlooked."

"I felt during the late 90’s that the sacrifices people were making for their careers—the sheer hours put in if nothing else—were not sustainable, and that a backlash was coming. Then the economy collapsed and people were often required to work even harder. The need for self-renewal at the personal and organizational level is greater than ever."

"I share your dismay at the behaviour of some of those who have huge leadership responsibilities. On the flip-side, everyday I see a higher degree of consciousness, care and conscientiousness among those leaders with whom I have the good fortune to work. We need to reach a 'tipping point' (apologies to Malcolm Gladwell), where doing right by those we serve is the norm."

"A decade ago I was riding high, heading a large team of engineers and managers through exciting new software projects that were supposed to change the world, one person at the time. Back then, thinking global meant simply making sure the products we were developing would be available in the top industrialized countries basically at the same time, in the local language. Despite an above average understanding of the different cultures around the world, I was not really interested in their interaction beyond the practical business environment I was operating in.

The world is definitely very different today to my eyes. Clearly, this is more the result of a deep inner transformation than it is due to the fact that world cultures seem to have suddenly started to collide more and more openly, and in an increasingly violent way. When our inner concepts change, the world also changes as if by magic. It is no longer possible for me to think of living, let alone growing internally or leading any venture, without taking into account the evolution and interaction of the three cultures I have been so fortunate to experience deeply: Asia, Europe, America.

Ten years ago, I was trying the change the world through sheer technical innovation, and now I realize that changes in the "deep and tender parts" of myself have actually altered forever my perception of the world, hopefully preparing me to make better use of the next ten years for further growth in a truly global environment."

"First, we are all older and with that comes greater understanding about the world. The biggest thing I have learned is that it is the gut that rules, not the brain. It is the gut that tells us what is right and wrong in a business deal, in a personal relationship and as we get older we learn to listen to it. The gut tells us what is right and wrong -- comes from our mothers and they know so much. Would listening to his gut and not his greed have changed the course of Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, Global Crossing? The answer is clearly yes. Yes they would have decided that just because someone else made more money did not make it OK for them to steal from their stockholders. It does not make it OK that Microsoft doesn't play well with others.

Ethical issues are generally not close calls. We know what is right and we know what is wrong and it doesn't take Talmudic scholars. It takes a solid, grounded, real gut and that seems to be what is lacking today. And that gut is not a mythical thing. It is what our mothers taught us -- Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist. One more thing. We live in a woman's world. For most of us, the jobs we do, the skills we possess are generally derived from what women did in those misty early days. We attend to details, we plan, coach/nurture, help things grow. We don't hunt, kill, etc. We do what women used to do and that is a bit of a problem for those of us with the wrong chromosome. Imagine what 100 more years will do. We have a lot to learn and a lot to change in ourselves. First we must learn our gut and what it means to our future and those we love."

"We should all try to have a Jimmy Stewart "It's a Wonderful Life" moment, when we try to envision what the world would have been like without us. The impact we each have, the true value of our time on Earth, is not measured in budgets made or new products launched, but in people whose lives we have changed. So, maybe many of life's clichés are true. Life IS too short. Family and friends ARE the most important things. And you can't take it with you."

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
— e.e. cummings

I think I have finally grown up in the last ten years and no longer feel compelled to prove who I am or measure up to a variety of expectations, both inner and outer. Life then seems sweeter and more peaceful."

"A look at the past decade does provide a reason for sober reflection and for gratitude. So many were swept up in the heat wave of greed. It affected all who breathed the air in this part of the marketplace. It would be hopeful to say that people have begun to look more to history than before. This remains a nation who is more fond of anti-intellectualism and willing to get lost in fundamentalist certainty in a world increasingly uncertain and more in need of deeper spirit than ever before. It remains a race. What we call success and what we can accept as a successful life become more paradoxical."

"I share your concern about the apparent deterioration in the values and ethics apparent in private and public life. At the same time, I am constantly impressed by the values and dedication to do good work by an increasing number of the “best and brightest” of the younger generation."

"A growing comfort with my own values, priorities and perspective on life and more importantly allowing myself to acknowledge that these are paramount to who I am. However, these ‘good’ things also have emerged in parallel with a variety of external influences that make holding onto these values more difficult:

• A deteriorating confidence in leaders and their values be they from the private or public sectors.

• The feeling that many of my colleagues are accepting the status quo and are focused on satisfying only their immediate needs (lifestyle). In other words their ‘awareness radius’ is about 10 feet.

• Fear of the success of the religious right and its growing power in this country, which is in direct conflict with my values.

• Feeling that people in general are ‘settling for less’ and giving up on demanding more from leaders. So this becomes a vicious cycle with the bar we set for our leaders slowing slipping."

"Understanding history is important towards understanding how things work and why things are the way they are. I have been reading a fair amount of history of the world now and am fascinated by the impact of events sometimes quite distant in time on current events. Genghis Khan and the Mongols are relevant to why the US and parts of Islam are at war today. Amazing to this math major.

Learn when to be patient and when to be insistent. Some things need to come out in time. Others need to be pushed along if they are going to happen.

Take time to be with the ones who are important to you. No one ever went to their grave saying "I wish I had gone to another meeting." Many go to the grave saying "I wish I had spent more time with my kids."

I am concerned for the future of my kids. I see no end in sight for the battle between civilization and those who wish to destroy it. I find that sad.

I have been fortunate to be part of an industry and civilization that allowed me to contribute with my skills without compromising my ethics. What a great thing."

"My one thought is that, going through the past ten years, things have gotten a lot clearer in a strange sort of way—as Desmond Tutu once said of apartheid South Africa—it was easier to be a Christian then because the issues were so clear."